Dismissive avoidant reddit I do feel that Dismissive-Avoidant people get vilified a lot though and while some are jerks a lot of us can be a good partner as long as we have the space and ability to feel independent within the relationship. they just say to themselves there is not other options other then to jump off this Clif and leave my ex boyfriend behind. They may want a relationship and even enjoy the early stage of the chase and dating, but after 2-3 months that’s when the feelings of suffocation and need to criticize the their partner come into play. After all the research I've done over the last year and my own experience, they do regret their decisions, but they won't be vulnerable enough to share that. I am fine as I am,” while the fearful-avoidant are still consciously craving an intimacy which scares them when it actually happens. "I love you" is just the kind of thing I'm less likely to toss out flippantly. I was very clear with my triggers that make me avoidant. He said he needed space, we had come to a breaking point after fighting a lot and him pulling away and I told him that either this relationship should move forward or let me go. Relieved but mostly I just don't think about people. Told me he didn’t want a relationship when I pushed for more after 6 months. I'm not very clingy, I understand that he needs his personal time. I have friends that I feel this guilt about because I choose not to ever see them and not needing to see them. The only avoidant who is a viable candidate for a relationship is a healed one (so, no longer avoidant). We have learned a lot more about how it looks like when an avoidant likes someone and appreciates them. Except I had no idea what a DA was until months after the relationship and found an article like this that perfectly described my ex. She has a lot going on right now and felt she didn’t have the capacity to be the person she wanted to be in the relationship. It really puts things into perspective and if you’re an anxious attachment, you can see how an anxious-avoidant cycle occurs and every step of it and how it usually plays out. I didn’t know she was dismissive avoidant until she blindsided me, I didn’t even know there was a problem. Once in a while they check in to see if you will answer. Though it didn’t start like this. The avoidant is a human being and unlike a dog has self awareness and can CHOOSE to make the world less scary. and they are. So I would mostly feel nothing. Definitely relate. there's no way you would know that, though. Betrayal and overt selfishness is never a good thing, but how you handle it being done to you proves to yourself who you really are and what you are capable of. He views himself as very independent and never ever need anybody. I had no idea about attachment styles until the past two days, but in hindsight remember she mentioned ‘dismissive avoidant’ quite early on. After my cancer experience, I had what I thought was the most beautiful, real and genuine relationship with someone who is dismissive avoidant. let your Dismissive avoidants are usually the opposite - they respect your time/space/boundaries really well usually because they know how important time/space/boundaries are to themselves. Please review the subreddit rules prior to participating to ensure this subreddit remains on topic. Her way to deal with these situations was to shut down completely, to play it all down or - in the worst case - to insult me. (Edit: I'm dismissive avoidant) My (27F) dismissive avoidant ex (39M) broke up with me in beginning of aug after 2. this can be difficult for an anxious person, but give them space. This dismissive avoidant person isn't going to improve their attachment coping skills until they realize it's an issue for them and have the introspection to do something about it. Agreed. I think a little bit of deactivation is inevitable, even transiently for secure people. I guess it's high time I pay attention to my avoidant tendencies. I’m anxious with abandonment fears too. I found some of what he was talking about informative and useful, but there were other things that rubbed me the wrong way. Avoidants are incapable of relationships but that won’t stop them from trying at your expense. For those who do not have an avoidant attachment style looking for answers, there is a wealth of information for you available by keyword searching "FAQ. Reddit might not be the best place for advice on this particular problem, because 1. The Jul 4, 2024 · Avoidant discard over a year ago, I've been revisted once and still to this day get indirect communication from her (I do question as to whether I'm a phantom ex). Dismissive avoidants rarely think they have a problem. For anyone wondering about dismissive attachment style, I find the secure relationship account on IG to be very helpful in breaking down attachment styles and behaviors. Definitely say Merry Christmas if that is what you are asking! Also, this may seem counter intuitive, but sometimes if i will withdraw if i am worried about leading someone on or hurting them. I'm sorry you're hurting, hope you can find a path forward. in conclusion: I'm pretty sure that she's a dismissive avoidant. if you have a dismissive avoidant partner, read this post. When I found out about dismissive avoidant behavior and why it happens, I could clearly see the origin of my person's DA behavior and it made my heart go out to her even more. Dismissive avoidants are a nightmare in this aspect and I would bet on winning the lottery over my ex ever changing. Is terrible advice. Am I willing to gamble half of everything I own. A space for people who struggle with an anxious attachment style to learn more about it (so as to get on the path of healing), share experiences of their healing journey, find support while healing, and give tips and feedback for discovering healthier coping mechanisms, and overall feeling more secure within yourself (and with others). I'm comfortable with a lot of contact with people who I know are just looking for a chat or a companion for a few hours and not attatched to the "outcome" or trying to To keep this a safe space for avoidant attachers, this subreddit is strictly moderated. But i will say that dismissive avoidants have so many issues themselves that they can’t relate to this fear and it’s very hard for them to get into that mindset in order to imagine what an AA type is going through. i always have hope and trust that i will be able to love someone maturely and healthily without shutting down or living in denial about emotions. I can totally see myself and her in this post, everything you typed is so true I can’t deny a thing. The love and great experiences don’t impact the outcome. Also note that long-term relationships with a partner who presents unambiguously and consistently with an avoidant style attachment are usually an avoidant/anxious (or fearful-avoidant My partner (M24) is a Dismissive Avoidant and he has been emotionally available but after a week where we fighting, he just started being distant and ignoring texts, doesn’t make an effort to call, no assurance just cold. See avoidant dismissive people just get to the Clif edge and rather then take a few steps back and try figure a way around jumping off. I only watched a couple of his videos. Like many others in the comments, my ex blindsided me with the break up. They don’t miss you. The truth is, our way of seeing the world are completely different. Please respect our space I think this likely goes beyond just dismissive avoidant though and likely into an actual personality disorder. Is this just my negative avoidant thinking or am I right? I am four months post break up with my dismissive avoidant ex who initiated the break up text book blindsided. This is when many avoidant reach out again. Sounds like me and I'm dismissive avoidant. I expected to feel infatuated, or simply more "in love" with her than I did and that was simply never a feeling I ever had in our relationship I'm a dismissive avoidant and I have no problem saying I love you or I like you if I perceive it will be reciprocated. And it's entirely possible you don't. They all hang out with one another and I love that but I just don’t need or crave the interaction. I think all the attachment styles are inherently linked. It can vary from relationship to relationship and can change over time. Please respect our space Struggling after break up with a dismissive avoidant (DA) It’s day 4 post break up and I’m struggling. He in turn was very open to what made him dismissive in the past. I'm committed to breaking that family problem. I'm trying to be patient bc of his potential childhood trauma (which he doesn't want to face but it would make sense for the way he acts) but this also is taking a toll on me. But this can easily take years depending on how avoidant the avoidant is. ** ​ User flair is Jun 21, 2023 · Dismissive-avoidant attachment—often termed "avoidant" for short—can range from mild to severe. Anxiously attached and Dismissive Avoidant is a difficult dynamic to be in! I’ve come across some great videos by this one specific woman on YouTube, her audience is anxiously attached women but she delves into how to thrive with an avoidant and how to heal your own anxious attachment. Even secure attached people can get fed up with an avoidant because, like an anxious preoccupied, they want an emotional connection. Hi everyone, I've seen it be said a lot that a secure partner can steady a dismissive avoidant. If you're interested in a person who for whatever reason wants to keep you around, or "on the hook", or is leading you on and you feel like they're just not that into you - they're almost certainly avoidant. Dismissive avoidant types tend to be fairly introspective and longing for connection. To keep this a safe space for avoidant attachers, this subreddit is strictly moderated. Questions from users who are not DA may be posted in the Ask A DA thread. To keep this a… On days I don't feel low, I build up courage to say to myself that I'm better off without my dismissive avoidant ex. I read Reddit to just ground myself and stop the gaslighting over and over again. I've been reflecting the last years with her in a more mature way of thinking and stumbled on attachment styles – EVERYTHING MADE SENSE. I am a survivor of child abuse and I am a cancer survivor, major cancer, and major surgery. Ugh!" Mean avoidant - "You never shut the fuck up, do you? I have to hear your annoying whiny voice yapping all the time, even when I'm trying to watch my favorite show. Dismissive avoidant attachment here. e. Maybe you are dismissive avoidant, but it's not really something for you to be concerned about or try to solve. If they want to. Stress makes me more avoidant. Her tendency to push me away, not just for physical intimacy but emotional intimacy as well. Please READ THE RULES before participating to understand what is and is not allowed. Dismissive Avoidant I knew was still regretting leaving someone 10 years later. 20K subscribers in the AvoidantAttachment community. Makes you doubt your experience. My partner (33/M) and I (32/F) have been together for 5 months and it's been going pretty well, but I'm very aware of the fact that I have a dismissive-avoidant attachment style and it negatively affects our relationship at times, especially since he has more of an anxious attachment style (although I would say that he displays minimal "protest" behavior and is a lot less anxious than previous Have had a family member try to Gaslight me into thinking anxiety disorder wasn't real because "some people are just more anxious than others so it's not an issue". The click-bait titles are just part of the YouTube viewership game (my dismissive avoidant channel is not my only channel on the platform, just the only one in this niche). Only posts from DAs will be approved at this time. Like if you’re being avoidant dismissive because you believe everyone leaves you or something like that. ** Redditors who are not DA can post in the All AT Styles thread. and that's exactly what she did, she left me in the WORST possible situation you Dismissive Avoidants do experience distress, but its not forefront and never really addressed. He chased me for 10 years, sent me a message from fake accounts every 2 or 3 years. Dismissive Attachment and Anxious Attachment make really poor matches. I would expect anxious attached to be hard to treat because of the tendency to personalize others behavior while failing to take responsibility for their own behavior. and use that space for yourself to self regulate or sleep or do something else entirely. It’s mind boggling. I started our relationship being very very very open with what he needed to do to "not lose me". I'm an anxious-leaning FA who just spent the last 2 years in a nebulous relationship with an avoidant-leaning FA. The whole time ex was contacting me the reason I take so long to reply to messages is because they give me anxiety and I have to psych myself into replying. Again I didnt know this was a core need for his peace and well being. If they’re actively avoidant you will never have a healthy relationship and they WILL hurt and leave you. If you don't know anything about attachment styles, look it up there are enough sources on the internet :). Narcissists have a grandiose sense of self importance and are delusional about said self importance. With an avoidant all that predictable progression does not count. If you want, in a very simplified way you can think of that as being a fairly extreme, pathological version of that attachment style. the more you pull on it, the more it might resist. He is a dismissive avoidant and absolutely hates conflict and dealing with his and our issues. I say partner, but I’m not sure where we stand. Just about your own understanding and experience: 1) When you break up with someone, do you mean it? 2) When you break up with someone, is it impulsive, or did you consider it for awhile? 3) How long does it take you to process a breakup? **This is our discussion thread for all attachment types to ask questions and answer each other’s questions . Note that "dismissive avoidant attachment" is not a disorder, per se - and "avoidant personality disorder," which is a disorder, is not the same thing. Please respect our space Secure leaning towards avoidant here. While I am soft and warm and I want and give intimacy, he views that as unnecessary and needy. My biggest motivation is that I fell in love with (and then was left by) a guy whose avoidance was like a mirror for me. He ended things because he had a “gut feeling” that there was no future with me despite talking about it throughout our relationship. Please respect our space I’m new to the DA world, so naturally I was just searching the “dismissive avoidant” keyword on YouTube and his content started showing up. the person in question may actually miss you really much, and internalize that feeling. I broke up with her because I was tired of this exhausting push-pull-dynamic and being the only one speaking openly about issues and problems in our relationship. Because with every conflict, the avoidant distances further and in my case, my ex basically lived alone in the house. I was with my avoidant ex for a year before I left they can have LTRs but that doesn’t mean they aren’t avoidant in that relationship. But, that experience led me to delve into AT! Texting/talking was a bit feast or famine from that point. Dismissive avoidants have a core wound of being 'Defective'. I feel like the way Thais speaks is fairly neutral, she doesn't demonize the attachment style in my opinion. Each time you don’t they are a little bit upset and whole lot glad. Due to the lack of expressed emotions they are regularly regarded as awful people. In my observation it’s pretty core to an avoidant’s experience—it’s a way of getting restless due to unaired tensions, often internal or picked up from work and family but sometimes due to the relationship itself. It may be he felt that you’re dismissive avoidant because he’s interpreting your autistic traits as such but only you would really know. And I do agree it is draining as fuck fir a dismissive avoidant and it's the last thing they want to talk about. This is a subreddit about and for individuals with an avoidant attachment style. It’s easier for avoidant people to show up in relationships in the start because they know the expectations of a relationship it’s when intimacy and closeness begins to build they start to struggle . I didn’t even know how to be anymore. Because at first, some DAs tend to come on rather strong. stonewalling) here’s my opinion. Dismissive Avoidant Question In keeping up with my recent posts, I have been exploring how we frame and translate our actions from one style to another. Dismissive-avoidant individuals have completed a mental transformation that says: “I am good, I don’t need others, and they aren’t really important to me. OP, feel free to reach out if you need to! I’ve Attachment style is more reflective of internal dialogue and past trauma. It’s sad, but a secure person cannot do much, the avoidant will shut down when feeling threatened (intimacy) and the anxious will become ever more anxious. Less pressure. A dismissive avoidant is deeply traumatized since childhood. They are so happy. Everything sounds bad when stripped from its context and written in post form, and 2. Snippy avoidant - "Why can't I ever get some peace and quiet? I'm trying to watch my favorite show. Most of the literature I’ve read, in an anxious/avoidant pairing, the anxious will end up losing. So. Suppressed emotions don’t go away. A lot of people here have their own issues with forming and maintaining long-term relationships. The problem for the avoidant, and especially for a person who is considering getting back with an avoidant ex, is that the avoidant hasn’t healed. Is it possible for someone with a dismissive avoidant commitment issue to talk themselves out of falling in love, envisioning a future together and thinking that they can’t be “held down”? I’ve been reading a bit on the topic and it would explain quite a lot. And for the most part, I read people saying a commonality which is "they are good people". Both willing to work together on fixing ourselves. Like being allergic to dinosaur meat. Usually at most, fearful avoidants can change after being on the receiving end of an avoidant discard but over all avoidants are deflective to introspection and the notion of changing. **This is a support sub for those who have a dismissive avoidant (DA) attachment style. I have a healthy attachment , I was with a dismissive avoidant partner for 2 years , so inconsistence a lot of the hot and cold behaviors , I felt drained and tired, he made many scuses to why people left him, I loved him so much, but it was so unhealthy and toxic that I was the one who decided ded to break the relationship. Both of us (him being pretty textbook dismissive and me more so Avoidant). imagine that your avoidant's feelings and thoughts are a tangled ball of yarn. Healing is a choice and acting like it's up to the anxious partner to convince the avoidant when that literally never works and proven time again it has to be the persons own choice. My checklist is: A. It was pretty much because of the same reason I had accidentally gaslit my cousin. the guy I ended up in a relationship with was I believe an avoidant and I didn’t really know attachment styles like that at the time. And sometimes an avoidant at the beginning can turn into being anxious at the end, because their partner that was anxious in the beginning turns avoidant in the middle. Does anyone have experience ignoring a dismissive avoidant and specifically how do they react? Of course, everyone is different regardless of their attachment style. My ex was avoidant too. This is my take: If you're interested in a secure person, but they're "just not that into you", they'll move on from you pretty quickly. I’m my opinion, based on tons of experience with dismissive avoidant, literally nothing you can do will get them to change. To give a little context, I am a Dismissive Avoidant. Communication is needed to be with an avoidant but often communication is another scary subject to someone with that attachment. Please respect our space. I have been in therapy 6 years and it has taken alot for feel things and not just push them under the rug (quickly moving from partner to partnerI/ drugs/ alcohol) know it’s easy to blame avoidants ( my ex is dismissive avoidant and I am completely heartbroken) but we are this way as a result of neglect/trauma/in difference in childhood. They generally think they're secure and see their desire for solitude as a strength not a weakness - they're just not that emotionally needy they figure. Is this actually true from anyone's experience? If they can voice their needs regularly and need consistent communication I think they'd probably trigger me too much and I'd disappear. It’s unfair to the people dating them to assume their behavior could have altered the outcome. Dismissive-avoidant is simply a mechanism for hiding and denying social and emotional connection as important so it makes complete sense that once this has broken down, a fearful-avoidant or anxious-preoccupied attachment style is underneath. Yah it seems like you've given the sex/romance thing a pretty fair try and if it's not for you that's fine. I do however think it is worth noticing that the most severely avoidant people often also have had to find ways to survive the most heartwrenching gutpunching abuse imaginable. I have Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment due to childhood trauma. i used to be dismissive avoidant, but i took refuge in spirituality (not religion) and am fighting it out of me. I’m a fearful-avoidant leaning dismissive and it was this weird push/pull with both of us, and this too much/not enough energy. Looking forward to the insights I'm going to have here. Avoidant bashing is not acceptable here. They go numb and none of it matters. " Non-avoidant participation is limited and enforced. This is a support sub for Dismissive Avoidants. But I’m curious does it caused them to become angry? **This is a support sub for those who have a dismissive avoidant (DA) attachment style. as a rule of thumb, there is a big "phantom ex" effect when it comes to the dissmissive avoidant. I love him. Spot on. He would rather be in a mediocre relationship than try to solve problems. Met a guy (29M) four months ago that I (26F) really like who clearly has a dismissive avoidant attachment style. My ex was definitely a dismissive avoidant type. I didn't respect his requests for me to not be so emotional and relax. if you are anxious, you may perceive an avoidant as being toxic, so, for example, when he/she would send you a I know how frustrating it is that avoidant partners become overcome by their deactivation and coping mechanisms and you cannot do anything to help. I live for those moments when my avoidant bf lets me close, and I truly love him. I had been with my partner for 5 1/2 years and felt like I didn't have the feelings I should have for her at that point in our relationship. . I'm in the exact same position as you, so thank you for sharing this. Please respect our space This is a support sub for Dismissive Avoidants. But he has dismissive / avoidant attachment style that adds a lot of struggle. As someone who has dismissive tendencies and also being on the receiving end of DA behavior ( i. In case you are looking for different approaches to consider - some things that have helped me along the way include meditation, biofeedback (specifically paced breathing which doesn't necessarily need the feedback part and is easy to do), I think sometimes physical activity helps dissipate anxious energy, and positive Usually there's a chaser and runner - seems to happen far more often than what I imagine secure would be (if that even exists), even if on a smaller, barely noticeable, scale. I had dismissive avoidant attachment style (mostly with my parents, some romantic relationships). DISMISSIVE AVOIDANTS ONLY: Please answer for yourself, not another DA, not with a google-able answer. Before him, I was strong-willed, determined, and independent. " Read “attached” by Amir Levine. Hello all. 5 years. YES!! I get a TON of rationalization of the hate I receive. Dismissive Avoidant Question I'm genuinely curious if they are capable, since they avoid most situations that involve deeply knowing each other and being truly close. I am a dismissive avoidant, struggling between feeling trapped in the relationship and the fear of abandonment outside of it (feeling that my partner gets me and loves me, and no one else would). My DA ex dumped me 3 times out of 4 break ups for someone else and this post sums it up pretty well. I dated someone when I was 20 who might have been dismissive avoidant. We’ve been hanging out, grabbing dinner together, going out for drinks, texted over Christmas and talked about some deep stuff about family and childhood. So I have an avoidant (dismissive) attachment style- I'll even take that a step further and say that I am diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder, have been for longer than my relationship has lasted. Avoidance lives on a spectrum just likes anxious attachment… some people are only avoidant/anxious I’m romantic relationships and others it carries over to friendships and family. it'll be uncomfortable but it'll help immensely. My(28) long-distance partner(23) is DA, on top of going through some stress due to immediate circumstances. Technically secure by 1%. " Both come off mean, but one is definitely more blaming and insulting than Hi, I started a new YouTube channel, and for my first video I talked about Dismissive Avoidant Attachment style and how I relate to that as a gay man who has struggled with Dismissive Avoidant Attachment style for about 10 years. I dated a dismissive-avoidant. I feel DA’s avoid conflict because we don’t have the tools to effectively communicate and get our point across. And, I don't see a lot of discussion here that sometimes a person comes on strong, but it could be that they like the chase, or they're narcissistic and need to win So I spent part of today reading about adult attachment, and learned that my wife is almost a poster-child for dismissive/avoidant attachment: Her assertions that I'm pushy or controlling for trying to get close to her, or advocate for my needs. And agree with the other comments, it does get better. I'm an introvert and need time alone as well. Someone out there coined the term “dismissive avoidant” to describe this behaviour that so many of us are unfortunate enough to have witnessed, but I think the people we’ve dealt with do have deep unresolved issues that they themselves can’t help, nor are they even aware of. Does being an Avoidant make you emotionally unavailable (like a symptom of being Avoidant)? Avoidants usually have a very specific set of traits and procedures that make it clear. Me (32) and partner (30) are together for 10 months (short time, I know) and are talking about moving in together someday. It’s gaslighting at its finest. My relationship is great: lot of chemistry, companionship, intimacy, good sex. Would I take a bullet for this person or help them move a dead body, B. They are routinely misdiagnosed with NPD, ASPD and psychopathy by their partners. " That was the problem with my ex, she wasn’t ready to face those challenges even though she was well aware of being a dismissive avoidant. They are relieved. Please respect our space **This is a support sub for those who have a dismissive avoidant (DA) attachment style. He first went radio silent for 4 days after our 3rd date (which was awesome) it triggered my anxiety. Avoidants have a terrible reputation--particularly dismissive avoidants. rjoa uifp dfv hyj ioaar oxz kwaz alrr ktulgw hzxwifg